Learning About Vulnerability Is Messy

Vulnerability was something I thought I never wanted to be until I found it may just be everything I need.

I once had a friend who I called my ‘spiritual’ friend because we always talked about deep stuff. I remember sitting with her on the porch one day as we discussed how we could increase our social circles, both of us feeling a bit stagnant at the time.

She told me that she really loved it when I appeared vulnerable because that was something she didn’t see very often from me. As an independent woman making my own way in the world with no partner and no children, she thought that the toughness and perseverance needed for that left me with little opportunities to show my vulnerable side.

That stopped me in my tracks. Of course I wasn’t vulnerable! Vulnerability meant that bad things could happen. If I let down my guard, I might mess up, and I was the only one responsible for my life. If I messed up, my life would be messed up. Certainly, vulnerability was not a trait I was interested in. How do you feel about vulnerability?

I did trust her, though. If she thought a more vulnerable persona would benefit me, it was worth looking into. Luckily, a new self-help guru had just appeared on the scene. Dr. Brené Brown had just published a book called ‘Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead’. I checked it out with the hope that it might help me.

I was confused. Daring greatly? No, thank you. I preferred my small little life. I was not one cut out for the big stage. I knew this because, in my heart of hearts, I had known since I was a little kid that I wanted to be a singer. Unfortunately, I wasn’t that talented. Then I thought I would be an actor. I loved performing the skits I saw on Saturday night’s Carol Burnett Show for friends and family, being in plays in church or school. There was never a lot of call for things like that in my small town, so I didn’t know how to grow that desire. It all felt like nickel rockets to me. Lots of smoke and no sparks.

Courage wasn’t really one of my things either. I tried to construct a life where I was not called upon to be brave. I liked keeping unknowns to a minimum and catastrophes in someone else’s arena. I preferred to be prepared for whatever little troubles came my way. I always said I didn’t know how to change a tire, but I knew how to get one changed. How often does courage show up in your life?

Dr. Brown’s book bases the need to be vulnerable on the premise that connection is everything. If folks have a fear of disconnection, it is based in shame and fear. Those feelings of shame and fear are the outgrowth of not being vulnerable. Dr. Brown’s research showed those same emotions are the reason for a sense of unworthiness. I found it hard to take the leap that a benefit of vulnerability is it enables a strong sense of love and belonging that forms from the opposite, a sense of worthiness.

Now I was really lost. I don’t really vibe with the whole connection thing. Don’t try to go too deep here. I know it sounds like something a socio-path or formerly abused person would say, and truthfully, I don’t get it either. I’m not anti-social. I do enjoy people. I don’t hide in corners. If you saw me at a party you would swear I’m an extrovert. I’m not. I’m an introvert. A highly-sensitive introvert at that.

I enjoy my own company more than anything. I love being home, doing the things I like to do whenever I want to do them. I’m not ashamed of anything. I don’t live in fear. Why do I have this issue with connection? Probably my least favorite Beatles’ song – ‘All You Need Is Love’ – is something I believe in my core, but I don’t live it. I grew up in a Protestant religion, so I believe in helping neighbors. I try to serve and feel good when I do, but it’s not the total focus of my days. Maybe it should be? Are there folks out there who are struggling with this connection thing like I do and we’re just too afraid to admit it?

It didn’t resonate with me. Until now.

Now I have revisited the book in an effort to dig a little deeper into why I have this issue with the term vulnerability. Why do I have such blinders on when it comes to connection? Why do I feel like these are two dirty little words that everyone else seems to hang on and thrive with, but leave me feeling empty?

Learning that the author also felt this way about vulnerability when she began her research made me curious enough to continue. She says she felt the need to control and predict things in her life. I can relate to that. I always thought it was just a part of my charming Aries personality!

She became aware that people did not want to feel vulnerability, so they numb it. Numbing it with retail therapy, food, drugs, alcohol. However, just like you can’t spot-reduce with exercise, you can’t spot-numb emotions. Dr. Brown says that by numbing the stuff you don’t want, like vulnerability, shame, or fear, you are also numbing the good stuff like belonging, love, joy, and creativity.

I had an experience with this in my thirties when I was on an antidepressant. It certainly controlled the low moods I had been experiencing, but it also leveled out any elevated moods of surprise or joy. Once I recognized this, I chose to learn other ways to handle the dips and got off the pills. Balance is a wonderful thing!

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.”

After re-reading the book, I realized that vulnerability is not being all exposed and open to all the worst possible things that can happen in life. Dr. Brown says vulnerability is a measure of courage. I’m sure it can come with doubt, instability, and bare emotions, but now I can also recognize it as a willingness to show up and be seen.

I’m still questioning my self-worth. I mean, it’s getting better since I recognized it needed some help, but it’s not all the way healed yet. I think that may be the underlying reason for my issues with connections. I’m still digesting Brown’s words:

“Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.”

I’m doing very well being authentic and I certainly present my imperfect self here on Substack every week. I’ll continue to work on that self-acceptance and see if I can experience some of that true belonging. When I do, I know I’ll be sharing it with you.

Let me know if you have ever struggled with vulnerability or felt ‘true belonging’?