Still

Maybe you noticed that I wasn’t around in the Notes so much this week. Or, maybe you wondered why this post didn’t arrive at its usual time. Or, maybe none of it even crossed your radar, that’s okay, too.

I was out with myself this week. I experienced a sadness that struck quick and deep and it had me dropping a few things while I still carried what needed to be carried.

Sadness isn’t a frequent flyer in my emotional life. I am very blessed. But when it does show up, it can take me a while to process the feelings and move on. That’s where I’ve been this week.

First, once I recognized what I was dealing with, I had to ask if I should step away from the emotion or move further into it. It was a small, seemingly inconsequential matter that had landed me here, maybe if I just put in good energy, the foul energy could right itself.

I tried getting more sun, took some vitamin D, and meditated, but the pit of sadness was still there. This might take more than additional good energy.

Taking myself out of the equation and focusing on others might work. I put on a smile and had a few conversations with friends, had lunch with an acquaintance who was in town for a visit, and celebrated the birthday of my 95-year-old friend by driving her out-of-town to meet with her family. I even threw in an impromptu babysitting gig for my 3-year-old great-nephew. Although he lives up to the title, I was still sad.

My horoscopes and tarot cards were dealing with a full moon and suggested my emotions were either catching up or slowing down to planetary movements and all I needed to do was hang on. I interpreted it to mean everything would sync-up soon and I would be renewed.

Usually, when I’m having an off day emotionally, I like to tackle those tasks that are known to produce a bad mood anyway. Dealing with creditors, visiting the DMV, or reconciling bank statements can do the trick. Nothing can get me down if I’m already there. My favorite was doing my taxes on Valentine’s Day. Perfect combination for singles!

I love taking my own counsel, so I looked through some old journals for how I had dealt with sadness in the past. One entry suggested stop trying to win races I’m not running. Profound, but not suitable for this particular instance.

In another old notebook I found this advice, “Whenever something doesn’t sit well with me or I feel like I can’t move forward, put this question on repeat until I get the most honest answer: “What do I fear?” I made a bit of headway with this one.

Searching further for an antidote, I looked back at some of my Substack posts. I read this one from December 19, 2025: The Company You Keep (Inside & Out) and this one from May 23, 2025: What to Do When the Truck Breaks Down.

My May post offered this quote from Ranier Marie Rilke:

“So, you must not be frightened…if a sadness rises up before you larger than any you have ever seen; if a restiveness, like light and cloud-shadows, passes over your hands and over all you do. You must think that something is happening with you, that life has not forgotten you, that it holds you in its hand; it will not let you fall.”

That one made me still. It usually does.

Whether the emotion is welcome or not, I’m always better when I can get still and honor that something is happening. Still enough to know I will not fall. Knowing that I have been here before and may be here again.

It’s just me and my emotions.

Still.

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